Dissection of an Embrace

     I try to live an examined life. I pick apart and analyze. I admit my faults and my biases. Sometimes, they're all I can see. I question definitions and consider connotations. I see my blame in every conflict, see the other side of even my most deeply held opinions. I think of myself as rational and reasonable.
     Obviously, this has its drawbacks. I can be too honest, too "on the nose." I assume others have considered all the implications and sometimes get frustrated when we're slowed down by misunderstandings. But really, I can solve for that. In the course of examining my place in the world, I can adjust for the fact - FACT - that I'm spinning away in my head, anxieties miles ahead of everyone else in the room. I'm a chess master of worry - seven moves ahead.
     But there's one thing I can't seem to sort out.
     Hugging.
     See, here's the thing. I want to hug you. Bro hug, backslap hug, handshake to backslap hug, one arm around shoulders from-the-side hug, full frontal bear hug, bear hug with excited lift hug, slow eye-contact hug, hug with close-up conversation followed by more hug hug: I am prepared for all of these eventualities. I will be glad to produce a comprehensive guide to these and more hugs at a later date.
     The problem is this - if there are different types of hugs, then there is the right hug for the right person and situation. And yet, the correct hug protocol hinges on so many factors, I find it nearly impossible to predict exactly which sort of hug I should give you.
     I take as a mantra that words have distinct meanings. I don't say enormous when I mean huge. So, I think, do hugs. But oh the tenuous moment pre-hug when it's clear we're going to hug, and I'm not sure how many hands to commit. I can't even imagine what my face looks like.
     And this is the problem with the examined life. I'd love to just relax and hug it out, but hugs have meaning. Willy-nilly hug barrages seem ill-advised and dangerous. I'd rather be a hug sniper than use an affection gatling gun.
     I'm going to give you the right hug, but I doubt that you're going to notice.